I'm back on Facebook, and I may have blocked you...

Back in June a Hungarian friend and yoga teacher of mine moved back to Europe. I was just getting to know her and didn't want to lose the connection we'd made. At that time my partner in life was considering a job in the same part of Europe, so there was a chance we were going to be neighbors! We changed our mind about moving across the Atlantic, but Facebook remains as a good way to stay connected across the world.

In June I indeed made my return to Facebook after 5+ years hiatus. It's kind of funny to think back about when I left FB years ago. It was at the suggestion of the Stake President back in Utah. I remember that he was saying marriages were being broken up by people in the stake rekindling old romances with FB friends. I was afraid I could be tempted, so I left and didn't look back. Haha, kind of funny now that it was Mormonism that got me off the addicting social media site.

This time around I decided that being on Facebook was going to be different for me. Instead of being friends with every person I've ever known, I would just be connected to the people I know and connect with right now. Most of the people I've friended are people I see in real life. It's been awesome to connect mostly with my yoga and climbing friends. It's really nice to just throw up a post saying, "Hey, I'm going climbing (or to a yoga workshop), anyone wanna come with me?" It's also been great to connect with other friends/family of mine who have been or are going through similar experiences as me...like you know, they've left Mormonism too. I now know over a dozen people who've left since I left. It's amazing and wonderful to find my own personal community growing.

So yeah, I'm on Facebook and I've been very particular about the people I'm friends with on there.

Just so you know, if I'm not friends with you on FB, it doesn't mean I don't like you or don't care about you. It just means either I'm connecting with you in another way (phone calls, email) and/or that connecting with you on FB would not be good for me.

When I made my new FB account in June, I actually went ahead and blocked invitations from people in my family. Why? Because the one thing I didn't want when I got back on FB was to have to dredge up all the physical sickness I feel when family of mine proudly parades their Mormon banner over social media.

Everyone is free to say and believe what they will, but I happen to know that seeing baptism announcements, seeing general conference quotes, etc. make me feel physically ill. Maybe I will get around to writing about the examples of the ugliness of Mormonism from my life, so you can better understand WHY it makes me sick.

For now, I just need you to understand that all those Mormon things you post, that perhaps bring you joy, make me ill. For my own health, I'm just going to keep the Mormons at a little further distance than Facebook allows.

Love and peace to you. I hope if you wondered about this, that you better understand.

Joy and Sadness

Pictured here you find the loudest voices in my head lately.  Both of them.  I'll get to that in a minute. 

Tonight I return, because it's been too long and I've been feeling far too much to not let it out.  This is my place to say what I'm feeling without worry of judgment.

Over the weekend, within a 24 hour period, two of my five sisters individually published a blog post on their respective blogs.  The one I read first took me to cloud nine; I really couldn't been happier.  The second sister's blog, well, it brought up the opposite emotions.

Let's start with sister #1.  She and I are 10 days shy of two years apart, and we're close to each other.  Really close.  There's only been a few very brief periods of time where we weren't as close as two sisters can be.  We've always had a close friendship and have lots of similar preferences.  The punchline of her weekend blog post was, "Hey family, I'm done with Mormonism!" Clearly, I am the family member jumping for joy at her new life perspective.  I am elated that she has drawn similar conclusions about Mormonism and now our friendship can be as close as ever as we share similar experiences and I'm able to offer plenty of empathy and kindness.  I finally get to talk with someone in my own family with complete openness about this completely life changing experience.  It's an incredibly beautiful feeling to know true acceptance and honesty from someone who has been my best friend my whole life.  I've waited three years for this feeling, and it's joyful.

Later the same day that I read sister #1's blog, I then came across sister #2's blog.  This sister and I are 14 years apart.  We had a very short number of years under the same roof.  My best memories of her are ones she'll never remember (dressing her up at <1 yr old and turning her into a real life baby doll!).  Needless to say, we are not close.  We barely know each other.  I haven't lived in the same state as her since 2006, and now she's at the Lawd's University in Provo, Utah.  So what did her blog say to get me all un-joyful? This:

You'll notice in that second paragraph that she references me. She: labels me, says we disagree about things we've never talked about together, claims to know that I drink, AND claims to love me. 

Reading her blog post, even 3+ years after being out of Mormonism caused me physical sickness and stress. There was this anxiety of needing to respond, be confrontational, because I can no longer just sit back and take it. I will not let these things roll off my back like they are nothing. These words mean something to me. I want my family to consider the non-Mormon view. Because they are the minority, not ME. 

What I told my sister and I preach now to the blogosphere is this:

 People who LOVE ME don't label me and they also know WHY I left the church. 

These sorts of diatribes from Mormon family and friends make it very hard for me to have any desire to stay connected to them. I feel real pain and psychological distress in response to these "discussions." I also feel anger. And that anger of mine is directed at LDS, Inc. I know that my Mormon family members are victims of a cult. I don't fault them for being stuck in a cult. Once I remember where my anger is directed, I just feel sad for my Mormon family. 

The day before my youngest sister made that blog post, it was BYU graduation. I mention it because I read a quote from the graduation address from L. Whitney Clayton that caused me to wonder if there's any possibility of real connection my LDS family members. He said this,  

“We should disconnect, immediately and completely, from listening to the proselytizing efforts of those who have lost their faith and instead reconnect promptly with the Holy Spirit.”

I wouldn't say I'm trying to proselytize to my LDS family, but that's probably how they view it because it's how they are told to view my attempts at real discussions with them. 

I just want my family to understand that redefining the word love, does not actually mean you love me. I've been where you are, LDS family of mine, and honestly I don't think I really understood what love is until I left the LDS church. 

So maybe I should simmer down and lower my expectations. It's the best I can do for now.

Namaste. 

SaveSave

Old friends

Over the last two and a half years I've had some of my Mormon friends contact me.  It was by no means an overwhelming amount of my old community reaching out to me.  It was more like few and far between.  At first I tried to maintain a select few of my old church friendships.  But it wasn't long before I realized that my departure from Mormonism meant I was no longer part of the club.

Being that I left the club of my own choosing, it was fine with me that I wasn't included in my old group of church friends anymore.  At first it was hard on me, because I really had no other friends.  I soon realized these weren't true friendships though.  Wouldn't a true friend reach out and ask you all about a major life change you were going through?  Wouldn't a true friend just be there for you?  Wouldn't a true friend contact you more than once in a blue moon (or when "god" prompted them to)?  I don't blame these women for not being there; I understand fully what it is like to be in their shoes...the shoes of a Mormon woman.

Even in the last few weeks I have had these once-upon-a-time-ago friends try to contact me.  I get it, you either are curious or have been prodded by your religion to see how I'm doing and help me find my way back to the fold.  Some days it feels like a slap in the face to hear from these people.  You practically shunned me, now you need to satisfy your curiosity or score some points with your god?  C'mon, think about it before you selfishly try to get back in contact with me.  If I haven't made the effort to contact you, that should really be reason enough to leave me alone.  Unless of course you have embarked on the journey of leaving the Tower, then I REALLY want to talk to you. 

It may seem callous of me to say these things, but really it's just me looking out for myself.  I'm still recovering from Mormonism.  Some days are good and some are bad.  I am still in contact with my Mormon family, but sometimes I let weeks or months go by without talking to them.  Some days it is just too painful to be reminded of the culture I left behind...the culture that I now find so damaging.

To those "old friends" who by chance may see this, just know that I'm not actually mad at you or dislike you.  I just need space at this time to recover.  Maybe someday it won't be painful for me to be friends with a Mormon, but right now is not the time.  And if it's curiosity you need satisfied, you can find me here, at my personal blog, or my personal IG account.

Namaste.

It's About Time

The time has come for me to be here now.  In more ways than one, "It's about time!"


I've missed this place that I created.  I made this place as a safe haven for my thoughts and feelings, but as quickly as I created it, I stopped coming here.

In some ways it was about time.  It was about me spending time in the present and not letting my exit from Mormonism be the in forefront of my mind.  I wanted to sleep (because I had a toddler, who is now a preschooler!), hang out with my husband, or play with my kids.  And when free time is hard to come by, you only do those things that you want more than anything else.  So I did that: I spent my time with my little family and at yoga class, and climbing, and watching lots of fascinating television programs and films.

Not spending time here on my blog was perhaps doing more harm than good though.  Without writing I wasn't able to process and get past the thoughts and feelings I've had in my recovery time (I feel that's the appropriate title for this period of my life after Mormonism). So, in August 2014 I finally found a great psychologist and had a few months of therapy.  It was such an important thing I did for myself.  I did some private writing in my journal during that time, and it felt so good to have an outlet for all those thoughts and feelings.

Now it's September 2015 and my kids are in elementary and preschool, and I find that I have a few hours a week to myself.  Here I am, hoping that this is just what I need to spend some of my "me" time doing.  I still have times when I feel blue, or I feel anxious, and there are still a lot of thoughts that have gone unsaid.  I'm back here to make more progress on my recovery, and continue on this journey to finding who I am now.

The picture above is a photo my dear friend Mette took.  She calls this piece, "Balancing Life."  I'm honored she asked me to model for it, and so happy I was able to be part of a piece that symbolizes much for me personally.

"This is it! This is a very big day!"

At least that's how Rapunzel said it in Tangled.

And actually, today is THIS Rapunzel's very big day...the day I finally launch my blog!

Look at the world - so close, and I'm halfway to it!
Look at it all - so big - do I even dare?
Look at me - there at last! - I just have to do it

Should I?
No.
Here I go...

My idea for this little spot in the blogosphere has been floating like a lantern in my head since last July. And I have finally mustered up the courage and motivation to just do it.

I'll be writing here regularly about my life after leaving the Tower. I'll discuss how I left, how relationships in my life have changed, letting go of superstitions, stories of abuse in relation to Mormonism, my BYU Honor Code experience, my changing perspectives on life, my current study of Mormonism and Church History, and lots more of my random thoughts and feelings since leaving.

Check out my first post (added 2 weeks ago, before I was ready for the launch today), titled, "When Will My Life Begin?" You can also read my "About" page (link in the right side bar) to find out how the whole Rapunzel thing came about.

You can expect to see little changes here and there to the side bars as I get things a little more polished. Feel free to send me any feedback on my little blog or questions you might have.

I'm so glad you stopped by! Now I'll leave you with the rest of the lyrics from this song, which sums up beautifully how I'm feeling today:

Just smell the grass! The dirt! Just like I dreamed they'd be!
Just feel that summer breeze - the way it's calling me
For like the first time ever, I'm completely free!
I could go running
And racing
And dancing
And chasing
And leaping
And bounding
Hair flying
Heart pounding
And splashing
And reeling
And finally feeling
Now's when my life begins!

When Will My Life Begin?

7 AM, the usual morning lineup: 


Start on the chores and sweep 
‘til the floor’s all clean 


Polish and wax, do laundry, 
and mop and shine up 


Sweep again, and by then it’s like 7:15. 


And so I’ll read a book

Or maybe two or three 


I’ll add a few new paintings to my gallery 


I’ll play guitar and knit 


And cook and basically 


Just wonder when will my life begin? 



Stuck in the same place I’ve always been. 


And I’ll keep wonderin’ and wonderin’ 


And wonderin’ and wonderin’ 


When will my life begin?

I couldn’t have told you at the time, because I didn’t know the question needed asking, but my life was going on just like lyrics of Rapunzel’s song.  I was doing the same things over and over again, and I actually thought I was leading the life I had to lead—the one God meant for me to lead.

January 6^th, 2013 is the day my life actually began.  Today I celebrate one year of this new life.  My dear husband, who I shall call Flynn from here on out, dropped a bomb on me.  I’m not such a fool that I didn’t see it coming, but it still rocked my little Mormon housewife world.  We had been having a rough 18 months in a new town hundreds of miles from anyone we knew.  Along with the move, we were dealing with numerous employment changes, a new baby, and health challenges that dumped me and Flynn into a depression. 

I dealt with my depression by doing my best to be a faithful Mormon woman.  I worked hard to keep up on the reading for the weekly Gospel Doctrine class.  I eagerly fulfilled my callings and visiting teaching.  As I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, I would frequently stream the audio files from General Conference talks or the Ensign magazine.  I helped my 3 year-old  memorize the first 6 Articles of Faith.  I would read to my little ones from the children’s version of the Book of Mormon regularly.  On Sunday mornings I would play YouTube videos of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and videos of songs from The Children’s Songbook.  It goes without saying that I never missed a Sunday meeting, even streaming Stake Conference over my laptop when I was too sick to attend, and attending Sacrament Meeting the Sunday before Christmas while I was on vacation.

I did all this just hoping that my dear Flynn would notice and try to be a little more faithful too.  After all, all of my Church worship was pointing out to me that his lack of interest in his calling and home teaching, as well as indifference in holding daily and nightly family prayers, FHE, etc. meant he wasn’t being a good Priesthood holding husband.

Meanwhile, Flynn spends his time deep in his thoughts.  He lets his thoughts go where he’d never let them go before. For months and months he keeps quiet about the big questions, but subtlety starts asking me questions that force me to think.  Questions like, “If a Muslim realizes his religion is false, and he has no way of finding a more true religion, should he stay Muslim or not?”  Every week after Gospel Doctrine class (which we affectionately called “False Doctrine class”), we would have lengthy discussions where Flynn would lead me to decide for myself about the doctrine.  While I enjoyed our Sunday discussions, I knew Flynn was somehow struggling with life.  I knew his physical health problems were making him miserable, but it was his mental health that concerned me the most.  Ever since our move, he had been depressed and try as a I might, I was incapable of doing anything to alleviate the condition.

Back to January 6^th.  It was the day after we returned home from our Christmas vacation.  The Christmas vacation was strained, to say the least. I felt a lot of tension in our relationship while we were away, and I was concerned for our future.  Here is my journal entry from two days later:

I have felt so many different emotions in the past 36 hours, that my head is spinning.  My body has literally trembled with fear, my heart has ached, yet felt great love, I have doubted and felt my world as I knew it crumble around me.  So where does that leave me now?  Currently I am feeling like this is a beginning to deep self exploration, which may involve me visiting with a psychologist... 

Sunday night Flynn and I both sat in the living room after putting the kids to bed.  We had only been sitting in the living room working on our separate tasks for a few minutes when Flynn starts conversing with me.  He was serious and sharing some personal things.  I can’t remember the things he said that led to his most earth-shaking statement, but before he made his statement I was already trembling and afraid.  He then said, “I’m not sure the Church is the right thing.”  My heart was pounding and I was shaking and I didn’t want him to know my feelings.  I just wanted to respect his very personal feelings he was sharing with me and not judge in any way.  In all honesty I wasn’t surprised by his admission that he wants to leave the Church.  I’ve felt in the past weeks that this was coming. Less than a week before, I had even expressed this concern to my friend while we were in Utah. Even the foreboding feeling I had that this was coming, I still felt a bit shocked.  I’ve watched the signs that this was coming for weeks and months, so why the feeling of fear and shock? Maybe because I didn’t want to believe that this could happen. Isn’t this, my husband leaving the Church, one of the things the Church would have me believe is one of the worst things that could happen? 

I’m left with so many questions in my own mind and heart. But one important question has already been answered, one that I was very fearful about prior to Flynn’s admission. Flynn, with tears in eyes and a waver in his voice, told me I’m the most important thing in his life.  He told me he believes in marriage and wants ours to succeed.  This brought me such happiness that the fear and trembling in my body stopped for a few moments.  I had never seen Flynn shed a tear prior to this, and I wondered last month if he was even capable of this kind of emotion!  With a smile on my own weepy face I told him that [knowing I’m the most important this in his life] we would be fine.  I really had been worried in the recent past that maybe I was losing Flynn’s love as well as him losing his testimony.  I am relieved that my own imperfections have not tainted his love for me and ruined our marriage.”

That is when my life began.  One year ago today was when my mind was freed and I let it wander from the Tower it had been stuck in since my birth.  For the first time in my life, I took an objective look at Mormonism. 

To be continued...