When Will My Life Begin?

7 AM, the usual morning lineup: 


Start on the chores and sweep 
‘til the floor’s all clean 


Polish and wax, do laundry, 
and mop and shine up 


Sweep again, and by then it’s like 7:15. 


And so I’ll read a book

Or maybe two or three 


I’ll add a few new paintings to my gallery 


I’ll play guitar and knit 


And cook and basically 


Just wonder when will my life begin? 



Stuck in the same place I’ve always been. 


And I’ll keep wonderin’ and wonderin’ 


And wonderin’ and wonderin’ 


When will my life begin?

I couldn’t have told you at the time, because I didn’t know the question needed asking, but my life was going on just like lyrics of Rapunzel’s song.  I was doing the same things over and over again, and I actually thought I was leading the life I had to lead—the one God meant for me to lead.

January 6^th, 2013 is the day my life actually began.  Today I celebrate one year of this new life.  My dear husband, who I shall call Flynn from here on out, dropped a bomb on me.  I’m not such a fool that I didn’t see it coming, but it still rocked my little Mormon housewife world.  We had been having a rough 18 months in a new town hundreds of miles from anyone we knew.  Along with the move, we were dealing with numerous employment changes, a new baby, and health challenges that dumped me and Flynn into a depression. 

I dealt with my depression by doing my best to be a faithful Mormon woman.  I worked hard to keep up on the reading for the weekly Gospel Doctrine class.  I eagerly fulfilled my callings and visiting teaching.  As I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, I would frequently stream the audio files from General Conference talks or the Ensign magazine.  I helped my 3 year-old  memorize the first 6 Articles of Faith.  I would read to my little ones from the children’s version of the Book of Mormon regularly.  On Sunday mornings I would play YouTube videos of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and videos of songs from The Children’s Songbook.  It goes without saying that I never missed a Sunday meeting, even streaming Stake Conference over my laptop when I was too sick to attend, and attending Sacrament Meeting the Sunday before Christmas while I was on vacation.

I did all this just hoping that my dear Flynn would notice and try to be a little more faithful too.  After all, all of my Church worship was pointing out to me that his lack of interest in his calling and home teaching, as well as indifference in holding daily and nightly family prayers, FHE, etc. meant he wasn’t being a good Priesthood holding husband.

Meanwhile, Flynn spends his time deep in his thoughts.  He lets his thoughts go where he’d never let them go before. For months and months he keeps quiet about the big questions, but subtlety starts asking me questions that force me to think.  Questions like, “If a Muslim realizes his religion is false, and he has no way of finding a more true religion, should he stay Muslim or not?”  Every week after Gospel Doctrine class (which we affectionately called “False Doctrine class”), we would have lengthy discussions where Flynn would lead me to decide for myself about the doctrine.  While I enjoyed our Sunday discussions, I knew Flynn was somehow struggling with life.  I knew his physical health problems were making him miserable, but it was his mental health that concerned me the most.  Ever since our move, he had been depressed and try as a I might, I was incapable of doing anything to alleviate the condition.

Back to January 6^th.  It was the day after we returned home from our Christmas vacation.  The Christmas vacation was strained, to say the least. I felt a lot of tension in our relationship while we were away, and I was concerned for our future.  Here is my journal entry from two days later:

I have felt so many different emotions in the past 36 hours, that my head is spinning.  My body has literally trembled with fear, my heart has ached, yet felt great love, I have doubted and felt my world as I knew it crumble around me.  So where does that leave me now?  Currently I am feeling like this is a beginning to deep self exploration, which may involve me visiting with a psychologist... 

Sunday night Flynn and I both sat in the living room after putting the kids to bed.  We had only been sitting in the living room working on our separate tasks for a few minutes when Flynn starts conversing with me.  He was serious and sharing some personal things.  I can’t remember the things he said that led to his most earth-shaking statement, but before he made his statement I was already trembling and afraid.  He then said, “I’m not sure the Church is the right thing.”  My heart was pounding and I was shaking and I didn’t want him to know my feelings.  I just wanted to respect his very personal feelings he was sharing with me and not judge in any way.  In all honesty I wasn’t surprised by his admission that he wants to leave the Church.  I’ve felt in the past weeks that this was coming. Less than a week before, I had even expressed this concern to my friend while we were in Utah. Even the foreboding feeling I had that this was coming, I still felt a bit shocked.  I’ve watched the signs that this was coming for weeks and months, so why the feeling of fear and shock? Maybe because I didn’t want to believe that this could happen. Isn’t this, my husband leaving the Church, one of the things the Church would have me believe is one of the worst things that could happen? 

I’m left with so many questions in my own mind and heart. But one important question has already been answered, one that I was very fearful about prior to Flynn’s admission. Flynn, with tears in eyes and a waver in his voice, told me I’m the most important thing in his life.  He told me he believes in marriage and wants ours to succeed.  This brought me such happiness that the fear and trembling in my body stopped for a few moments.  I had never seen Flynn shed a tear prior to this, and I wondered last month if he was even capable of this kind of emotion!  With a smile on my own weepy face I told him that [knowing I’m the most important this in his life] we would be fine.  I really had been worried in the recent past that maybe I was losing Flynn’s love as well as him losing his testimony.  I am relieved that my own imperfections have not tainted his love for me and ruined our marriage.”

That is when my life began.  One year ago today was when my mind was freed and I let it wander from the Tower it had been stuck in since my birth.  For the first time in my life, I took an objective look at Mormonism. 

To be continued...