Pictured here you find the loudest voices in my head lately. Both of them. I'll get to that in a minute.
Tonight I return, because it's been too long and I've been feeling far too much to not let it out. This is my place to say what I'm feeling without worry of judgment.
Over the weekend, within a 24 hour period, two of my five sisters individually published a blog post on their respective blogs. The one I read first took me to cloud nine; I really couldn't been happier. The second sister's blog, well, it brought up the opposite emotions.
Let's start with sister #1. She and I are 10 days shy of two years apart, and we're close to each other. Really close. There's only been a few very brief periods of time where we weren't as close as two sisters can be. We've always had a close friendship and have lots of similar preferences. The punchline of her weekend blog post was, "Hey family, I'm done with Mormonism!" Clearly, I am the family member jumping for joy at her new life perspective. I am elated that she has drawn similar conclusions about Mormonism and now our friendship can be as close as ever as we share similar experiences and I'm able to offer plenty of empathy and kindness. I finally get to talk with someone in my own family with complete openness about this completely life changing experience. It's an incredibly beautiful feeling to know true acceptance and honesty from someone who has been my best friend my whole life. I've waited three years for this feeling, and it's joyful.
Later the same day that I read sister #1's blog, I then came across sister #2's blog. This sister and I are 14 years apart. We had a very short number of years under the same roof. My best memories of her are ones she'll never remember (dressing her up at <1 yr old and turning her into a real life baby doll!). Needless to say, we are not close. We barely know each other. I haven't lived in the same state as her since 2006, and now she's at the Lawd's University in Provo, Utah. So what did her blog say to get me all un-joyful? This:
You'll notice in that second paragraph that she references me. She: labels me, says we disagree about things we've never talked about together, claims to know that I drink, AND claims to love me.
Reading her blog post, even 3+ years after being out of Mormonism caused me physical sickness and stress. There was this anxiety of needing to respond, be confrontational, because I can no longer just sit back and take it. I will not let these things roll off my back like they are nothing. These words mean something to me. I want my family to consider the non-Mormon view. Because they are the minority, not ME.
What I told my sister and I preach now to the blogosphere is this:
People who LOVE ME don't label me and they also know WHY I left the church.
These sorts of diatribes from Mormon family and friends make it very hard for me to have any desire to stay connected to them. I feel real pain and psychological distress in response to these "discussions." I also feel anger. And that anger of mine is directed at LDS, Inc. I know that my Mormon family members are victims of a cult. I don't fault them for being stuck in a cult. Once I remember where my anger is directed, I just feel sad for my Mormon family.
The day before my youngest sister made that blog post, it was BYU graduation. I mention it because I read a quote from the graduation address from L. Whitney Clayton that caused me to wonder if there's any possibility of real connection my LDS family members. He said this,
I wouldn't say I'm trying to proselytize to my LDS family, but that's probably how they view it because it's how they are told to view my attempts at real discussions with them.
I just want my family to understand that redefining the word love, does not actually mean you love me. I've been where you are, LDS family of mine, and honestly I don't think I really understood what love is until I left the LDS church.
So maybe I should simmer down and lower my expectations. It's the best I can do for now.
Namaste.
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