Old friends

Over the last two and a half years I've had some of my Mormon friends contact me.  It was by no means an overwhelming amount of my old community reaching out to me.  It was more like few and far between.  At first I tried to maintain a select few of my old church friendships.  But it wasn't long before I realized that my departure from Mormonism meant I was no longer part of the club.

Being that I left the club of my own choosing, it was fine with me that I wasn't included in my old group of church friends anymore.  At first it was hard on me, because I really had no other friends.  I soon realized these weren't true friendships though.  Wouldn't a true friend reach out and ask you all about a major life change you were going through?  Wouldn't a true friend just be there for you?  Wouldn't a true friend contact you more than once in a blue moon (or when "god" prompted them to)?  I don't blame these women for not being there; I understand fully what it is like to be in their shoes...the shoes of a Mormon woman.

Even in the last few weeks I have had these once-upon-a-time-ago friends try to contact me.  I get it, you either are curious or have been prodded by your religion to see how I'm doing and help me find my way back to the fold.  Some days it feels like a slap in the face to hear from these people.  You practically shunned me, now you need to satisfy your curiosity or score some points with your god?  C'mon, think about it before you selfishly try to get back in contact with me.  If I haven't made the effort to contact you, that should really be reason enough to leave me alone.  Unless of course you have embarked on the journey of leaving the Tower, then I REALLY want to talk to you. 

It may seem callous of me to say these things, but really it's just me looking out for myself.  I'm still recovering from Mormonism.  Some days are good and some are bad.  I am still in contact with my Mormon family, but sometimes I let weeks or months go by without talking to them.  Some days it is just too painful to be reminded of the culture I left behind...the culture that I now find so damaging.

To those "old friends" who by chance may see this, just know that I'm not actually mad at you or dislike you.  I just need space at this time to recover.  Maybe someday it won't be painful for me to be friends with a Mormon, but right now is not the time.  And if it's curiosity you need satisfied, you can find me here, at my personal blog, or my personal IG account.

Namaste.

It's About Time

The time has come for me to be here now.  In more ways than one, "It's about time!"


I've missed this place that I created.  I made this place as a safe haven for my thoughts and feelings, but as quickly as I created it, I stopped coming here.

In some ways it was about time.  It was about me spending time in the present and not letting my exit from Mormonism be the in forefront of my mind.  I wanted to sleep (because I had a toddler, who is now a preschooler!), hang out with my husband, or play with my kids.  And when free time is hard to come by, you only do those things that you want more than anything else.  So I did that: I spent my time with my little family and at yoga class, and climbing, and watching lots of fascinating television programs and films.

Not spending time here on my blog was perhaps doing more harm than good though.  Without writing I wasn't able to process and get past the thoughts and feelings I've had in my recovery time (I feel that's the appropriate title for this period of my life after Mormonism). So, in August 2014 I finally found a great psychologist and had a few months of therapy.  It was such an important thing I did for myself.  I did some private writing in my journal during that time, and it felt so good to have an outlet for all those thoughts and feelings.

Now it's September 2015 and my kids are in elementary and preschool, and I find that I have a few hours a week to myself.  Here I am, hoping that this is just what I need to spend some of my "me" time doing.  I still have times when I feel blue, or I feel anxious, and there are still a lot of thoughts that have gone unsaid.  I'm back here to make more progress on my recovery, and continue on this journey to finding who I am now.

The picture above is a photo my dear friend Mette took.  She calls this piece, "Balancing Life."  I'm honored she asked me to model for it, and so happy I was able to be part of a piece that symbolizes much for me personally.