I'm back on Facebook, and I may have blocked you...

Back in June a Hungarian friend and yoga teacher of mine moved back to Europe. I was just getting to know her and didn't want to lose the connection we'd made. At that time my partner in life was considering a job in the same part of Europe, so there was a chance we were going to be neighbors! We changed our mind about moving across the Atlantic, but Facebook remains as a good way to stay connected across the world.

In June I indeed made my return to Facebook after 5+ years hiatus. It's kind of funny to think back about when I left FB years ago. It was at the suggestion of the Stake President back in Utah. I remember that he was saying marriages were being broken up by people in the stake rekindling old romances with FB friends. I was afraid I could be tempted, so I left and didn't look back. Haha, kind of funny now that it was Mormonism that got me off the addicting social media site.

This time around I decided that being on Facebook was going to be different for me. Instead of being friends with every person I've ever known, I would just be connected to the people I know and connect with right now. Most of the people I've friended are people I see in real life. It's been awesome to connect mostly with my yoga and climbing friends. It's really nice to just throw up a post saying, "Hey, I'm going climbing (or to a yoga workshop), anyone wanna come with me?" It's also been great to connect with other friends/family of mine who have been or are going through similar experiences as me...like you know, they've left Mormonism too. I now know over a dozen people who've left since I left. It's amazing and wonderful to find my own personal community growing.

So yeah, I'm on Facebook and I've been very particular about the people I'm friends with on there.

Just so you know, if I'm not friends with you on FB, it doesn't mean I don't like you or don't care about you. It just means either I'm connecting with you in another way (phone calls, email) and/or that connecting with you on FB would not be good for me.

When I made my new FB account in June, I actually went ahead and blocked invitations from people in my family. Why? Because the one thing I didn't want when I got back on FB was to have to dredge up all the physical sickness I feel when family of mine proudly parades their Mormon banner over social media.

Everyone is free to say and believe what they will, but I happen to know that seeing baptism announcements, seeing general conference quotes, etc. make me feel physically ill. Maybe I will get around to writing about the examples of the ugliness of Mormonism from my life, so you can better understand WHY it makes me sick.

For now, I just need you to understand that all those Mormon things you post, that perhaps bring you joy, make me ill. For my own health, I'm just going to keep the Mormons at a little further distance than Facebook allows.

Love and peace to you. I hope if you wondered about this, that you better understand.

Joy and Sadness

Pictured here you find the loudest voices in my head lately.  Both of them.  I'll get to that in a minute. 

Tonight I return, because it's been too long and I've been feeling far too much to not let it out.  This is my place to say what I'm feeling without worry of judgment.

Over the weekend, within a 24 hour period, two of my five sisters individually published a blog post on their respective blogs.  The one I read first took me to cloud nine; I really couldn't been happier.  The second sister's blog, well, it brought up the opposite emotions.

Let's start with sister #1.  She and I are 10 days shy of two years apart, and we're close to each other.  Really close.  There's only been a few very brief periods of time where we weren't as close as two sisters can be.  We've always had a close friendship and have lots of similar preferences.  The punchline of her weekend blog post was, "Hey family, I'm done with Mormonism!" Clearly, I am the family member jumping for joy at her new life perspective.  I am elated that she has drawn similar conclusions about Mormonism and now our friendship can be as close as ever as we share similar experiences and I'm able to offer plenty of empathy and kindness.  I finally get to talk with someone in my own family with complete openness about this completely life changing experience.  It's an incredibly beautiful feeling to know true acceptance and honesty from someone who has been my best friend my whole life.  I've waited three years for this feeling, and it's joyful.

Later the same day that I read sister #1's blog, I then came across sister #2's blog.  This sister and I are 14 years apart.  We had a very short number of years under the same roof.  My best memories of her are ones she'll never remember (dressing her up at <1 yr old and turning her into a real life baby doll!).  Needless to say, we are not close.  We barely know each other.  I haven't lived in the same state as her since 2006, and now she's at the Lawd's University in Provo, Utah.  So what did her blog say to get me all un-joyful? This:

You'll notice in that second paragraph that she references me. She: labels me, says we disagree about things we've never talked about together, claims to know that I drink, AND claims to love me. 

Reading her blog post, even 3+ years after being out of Mormonism caused me physical sickness and stress. There was this anxiety of needing to respond, be confrontational, because I can no longer just sit back and take it. I will not let these things roll off my back like they are nothing. These words mean something to me. I want my family to consider the non-Mormon view. Because they are the minority, not ME. 

What I told my sister and I preach now to the blogosphere is this:

 People who LOVE ME don't label me and they also know WHY I left the church. 

These sorts of diatribes from Mormon family and friends make it very hard for me to have any desire to stay connected to them. I feel real pain and psychological distress in response to these "discussions." I also feel anger. And that anger of mine is directed at LDS, Inc. I know that my Mormon family members are victims of a cult. I don't fault them for being stuck in a cult. Once I remember where my anger is directed, I just feel sad for my Mormon family. 

The day before my youngest sister made that blog post, it was BYU graduation. I mention it because I read a quote from the graduation address from L. Whitney Clayton that caused me to wonder if there's any possibility of real connection my LDS family members. He said this,  

“We should disconnect, immediately and completely, from listening to the proselytizing efforts of those who have lost their faith and instead reconnect promptly with the Holy Spirit.”

I wouldn't say I'm trying to proselytize to my LDS family, but that's probably how they view it because it's how they are told to view my attempts at real discussions with them. 

I just want my family to understand that redefining the word love, does not actually mean you love me. I've been where you are, LDS family of mine, and honestly I don't think I really understood what love is until I left the LDS church. 

So maybe I should simmer down and lower my expectations. It's the best I can do for now.

Namaste. 

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